For my re-write I chose my first essay on identity. The assignment for this essay was to write about the ways clothes say something about identity; the different ways clothes “advertise” who people are.
My original draft was written just a few days after I lost my Mother unexpectedly, and I wasn't able to give it 100% mentally. This paired with the fact that I hadn't written any kind of essay for 18 years was a recipe for slop. I got a B for the paper, but in hindsight, when I read it, I wonder if it was really worth a B.
The first thing I did was change my thesis. While the instructor noted that my thesis was interesting and strong, it was difficult to make the re-write work with it. I felt I needed to broaden what I was saying, still trying to get the same point across.
The old thesis was:
While clothing shows our personality to some level, it does not show the inter-most part of us; the kindness, intelligence, love or caring we can have for one another. Clothing strictly shows what our fashion personality is; what we like to wear.
The new thesis is:
Clothing creates an assumption of who a person is, based on how the clothing is seen worn in movies or in magazines. But, clothing only shows a person’s fashion personality, it does not show the inner-most part of them.
In the original essay I wrote one paragraph about how people wearing a business suit are perceived vs. who they really are. However, in one paragraph I wrote about how they are deemed "dressed for success" and intelligent, and entered a quote about being seen as well organized, poised, sophisticated, and confident. In the next paragraph I used my uncle as an example of this person, but how people perceive him as being snooty, unsociable, yuppyish, and impersonal. What I actually did was contradict the point I was trying to make in my thesis. I deleted these two paragraphs from my revised essay.
Since this was my first essay in at least 18 years I didn't differentiate very well between present and past tense, mixing my sentences to be both. I also used you, your, we, and us when I was talking to people in general, not to the reader. In my revision I went through and changed all of these to they, their, and people.
An example of a prior sentence that needed this type of revision:
For some of us clothing can make us feel good about ourselves, make us feel noticed in a crowd, and alter our moods. For others the actual clothing they have on, and the brand name of it, doesn’t matter.
The revision of this:
For some people clothing makes them good about themselves, making them feel noticed in a crowd. For others they choose their clothing because the media says it is the “thing to wear” to fit in.
Last, but certainly not least, I finished my thoughts in my revised essay. Originally I began a thought and let it go astray, just moving on to a different example or subject, without proving what I was trying to say.
An example from the original essay of this:
Society says if we see someone with great fashion sense, wearing the trendiest clothes, that they are rich or spend a lot of money on clothing, that clothes are a high priority to them.
In my revision I stated it like this:
Society says that someone with great fashion sense, wearing the trendiest outfits or athletic wear, are probably rich and spend a lot of money on clothing, or that clothes are a high priority to them, regardless of whether or not they can afford them. The perception of what we should wear comes from billboards and magazines or actors and actresses. After all, people in the public eye are the first to wear the newest outfit by Calvin Klein, be the first to use the latest snowboard gear by Burton, or sport the newest pair of Nike Shox.
The revision of this essay was very hard for me. It was a challenge to take something that was already written and see it through a new set of eyes. I thought about completely changing the essay, but I ended up keeping parts of it and added to it with what I felt better argued and upheld my thesis in regard to identity through clothing. It was also a challenge to go back to something I wrote 10 weeks ago. While it should've been easy after working to strengthen my writing skills, it was still hard to look at something I wrote at the beginning of the class and try to figure out what to do to make it better. While I have 12 weeks of English under my belt, I'm far from being a great writer.
My original draft was written just a few days after I lost my Mother unexpectedly, and I wasn't able to give it 100% mentally. This paired with the fact that I hadn't written any kind of essay for 18 years was a recipe for slop. I got a B for the paper, but in hindsight, when I read it, I wonder if it was really worth a B.
The first thing I did was change my thesis. While the instructor noted that my thesis was interesting and strong, it was difficult to make the re-write work with it. I felt I needed to broaden what I was saying, still trying to get the same point across.
The old thesis was:
While clothing shows our personality to some level, it does not show the inter-most part of us; the kindness, intelligence, love or caring we can have for one another. Clothing strictly shows what our fashion personality is; what we like to wear.
The new thesis is:
Clothing creates an assumption of who a person is, based on how the clothing is seen worn in movies or in magazines. But, clothing only shows a person’s fashion personality, it does not show the inner-most part of them.
In the original essay I wrote one paragraph about how people wearing a business suit are perceived vs. who they really are. However, in one paragraph I wrote about how they are deemed "dressed for success" and intelligent, and entered a quote about being seen as well organized, poised, sophisticated, and confident. In the next paragraph I used my uncle as an example of this person, but how people perceive him as being snooty, unsociable, yuppyish, and impersonal. What I actually did was contradict the point I was trying to make in my thesis. I deleted these two paragraphs from my revised essay.
Since this was my first essay in at least 18 years I didn't differentiate very well between present and past tense, mixing my sentences to be both. I also used you, your, we, and us when I was talking to people in general, not to the reader. In my revision I went through and changed all of these to they, their, and people.
An example of a prior sentence that needed this type of revision:
For some of us clothing can make us feel good about ourselves, make us feel noticed in a crowd, and alter our moods. For others the actual clothing they have on, and the brand name of it, doesn’t matter.
The revision of this:
For some people clothing makes them good about themselves, making them feel noticed in a crowd. For others they choose their clothing because the media says it is the “thing to wear” to fit in.
Last, but certainly not least, I finished my thoughts in my revised essay. Originally I began a thought and let it go astray, just moving on to a different example or subject, without proving what I was trying to say.
An example from the original essay of this:
Society says if we see someone with great fashion sense, wearing the trendiest clothes, that they are rich or spend a lot of money on clothing, that clothes are a high priority to them.
In my revision I stated it like this:
Society says that someone with great fashion sense, wearing the trendiest outfits or athletic wear, are probably rich and spend a lot of money on clothing, or that clothes are a high priority to them, regardless of whether or not they can afford them. The perception of what we should wear comes from billboards and magazines or actors and actresses. After all, people in the public eye are the first to wear the newest outfit by Calvin Klein, be the first to use the latest snowboard gear by Burton, or sport the newest pair of Nike Shox.
The revision of this essay was very hard for me. It was a challenge to take something that was already written and see it through a new set of eyes. I thought about completely changing the essay, but I ended up keeping parts of it and added to it with what I felt better argued and upheld my thesis in regard to identity through clothing. It was also a challenge to go back to something I wrote 10 weeks ago. While it should've been easy after working to strengthen my writing skills, it was still hard to look at something I wrote at the beginning of the class and try to figure out what to do to make it better. While I have 12 weeks of English under my belt, I'm far from being a great writer.
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